Coming Out

Coming Out

"I was in year 12 enjoying the parties, driving lessons and looking forward to the freedom that would come from finishing school. I had a lot of friends but one new friend that year became the main focus of my attention. I never thought my feelings for her were anything sexual. I was homophobic. As far as I was concerned we were very good friends.

One day when we were alone, she kissed me. I enjoyed it but believed that I was simply experimenting with my sexuality and thought it was a passing phase. This passing phase lasted one year. After that I had another long term relationship with a female and to this day, three years later, we are still happily together.

Throughout this time I decided I was never going to tell anyone and I would hold this secret within me forever. I felt that if I told anyone, it would mean that I was gay and I couldn't turn back. I couldn't deal with the thought. If I didn't tell, there was a chance that it would go away. I really didn't want to be a lesbian. I was living a lie and this guilt and self-hatred made me withdraw from my friends and family. The more they reached out to me the more I withdrew. In the end I was alone and very unhappy.

Eventually my mother confronted the issue and I was forced to tell her and the rest of my family. Fortunately the response from my family was good. I was frightened that it wouldn't be. The weight of the lies that I had been carrying around for so long began to slowly lift. Over a period of time I began to accept myself and homosexuality in general. This was a slow process for me. I'm not quite sure how I came to accept myself but as more people accepted me, the easier it became."
Jo, aged 21.

Self discovery

Due to the overwhelming nature of our heterosexual society, it is often difficult for many young people (and older people too) to discover that they are gay, lesbian or bisexual. Some people deny their feelings, hiding their same sex attraction from everyone including themselves. But there are alternatives to doing this. Should I tell anyone about how I feel? It's hard to know who can listen with an open mind and offer you support. Maybe there's a student welfare co-ordinator, a teacher or guidance counsellor who would be helpful and informative. A group like Kaleidoscope on the Mornington Peninsula has a same sex attracted project worker who could speak with you. There are other groups, books and gay friendly counsellors listed at the end of this web site that may be of benefit.

WAYNE aged 21
"The first stage was the hardest - coming out to myself. Up until 2 years ago I had girl friends but I would be buying Adult magazines with hunky guys in them. I felt like I was cheating on the girls and I guess I was in a way. I had gone out with some friends and I noticed this guy. I felt that he was acting differently around me - like he was interested. I was really interested in him but I didn't know if he was gay. Then came Easter of 1999. That was when he rang me up and wanted me to come over. I went but I was denying every gay thought in my mind. My stomach was so knotted up. We talked about everything but being interested in each other. Then, after three hours of tip toeing around the subject, it was finally brought up. That would have to be my first love".

Deciding Whether Or Not To Come Out
For some people, this will be an easy decision. Others will have a hard time deciding. It's important to be listened to, valued and supported when you "come out". It may be difficult to know who of your friends, family and school staff would listen with an open mind and offer you support. Maybe there's a student welfare co-ordinator, a teacher or guidance counsellor who would be helpful and informative. A group like Kaleidoscope on the Mornington Peninsula has a same sex attracted project worker who could speak with you. There are other groups, books and gay friendly counsellors listed at the end of this web site that may be of benefit.

How Do I Decide?

People "come out" for many reasons such as:

wanting to open up that part of their life with another person
to get rid of the pressure by family members and friends to find a partner of the opposite sex
to be more honest with oneself
to be honest with others you care about
it's hard living a lie
the need to discuss one's feelings and make sense of them
to get help
to get support

Coming out is your choice. Make sure it is a safe thing to do.

WAYNE
My coming out to my parents was a complete surprise, not only to them but to me as well. I came out to my mum in an argument one morning before I went off to school for the day. This is not the best way to tell any parents. I wanted to go away with my first boyfriend. Mum had met him but she was introduced to him as a friend of mine. She somehow knew he was gay and did not want me to go away with him. That was how the argument started. During the argument, mum said that she could pick gay people. I got so frustrated and said," You didn't do a good job picking me as gay." I said this as I was trying to get out the door for school. But then came the questions. "How do you know?What? when? Where? Why?" I finally got out the door and got to school. By the end of the day I got a phone call from my brothers and my homophobic father. All with the same questions. It was one of the most exhausting days of my life.

Questions to ask yourself before coming out

What is the purpose in telling my parents/friends?
Am I trying to get back at the people I am telling?
What is the emotional climate at home? Is this good timing?
What are the moral and social views of my parents?
What are some questions they may ask me? How will I answer them?
Do I know where to get support if things don't go as planned?
Is this my decision?